We have hit another one of Audrey's milestones. Today was her due date. I am sure she would of come before or later than her actual day. But still, it holds some meaning to us. I anticipated this day to be hard. I just did not expect to have the grieving process to become even harder at this point than it was a month ago. Maybe the reality of it is more clear. I have been down and out since my family left. I was hit with a massive headache and just felt ill. This came on from tears. Raquel has been a real trooper. She told me not to be sad but to be happy. To make up for my neglect I bought her a play house and the movie Snow White. I now understand how out of guilt a parent buys things to replace the lack of affection or attention the parent gives them. I pray that this is not a reoccurring habit. This is how I am capable of showing love for her in these moments of pain by getting her something new and exciting to play with while I try to drag myself back to life again.
Boman has been gone these last few nights. Friday he was not home till a little after 10 pm at night. We hope after work tomorrow we can get out as a family for a bit. I look forward to getting out. Keeping my mind and body busy.
The world around us goes on. Family and friends have forgotten this date. Which is expected. What is unexpected is how I have felt a little rebellious against God. This feeling has only started in the last week. I mean I have not breaking any major commandments. But I have wanted I guess some short of control over my life, over something. So I do little things. Stupid things really. Like not do my scripture study or pray. Over indulge in food. Just carry a rebellious heart. It is so silly. I know these things are only making the grieving harder. But I guess I am foolish by feeling I am in control of something...