I was talking with my cousin and she was feeling me out on the subject of Audrey. I let her know that she is very much part of our family and I like to talk about her. She responded "Good because I want to know who she looked like, what she looked liked, what characteristics she had from each of you. That kind of stuff" That made me think how would I answer all that.
So here it is. This is the Audrey we know. The experience we had with her.
Audrey was conceived around Thanksgiving of 2009. We found out Christmas day we were pregnant. I was nervous. Unsure of myself as a mother bringing another child in. I just had a hard time being overly excited. Than I thought it was me and my worries. But now I see those feelings of uneasiness about this pregnancy as Gods way of preparing me for the untimely good bye. Our first appointment was tough. My test came up negative for being pregnant and they could not find a heartbeat. I cried than. Even though I was unsure about this pregnancy I wanted the baby. Another nurse came in and found her heartbeat. I was relived. The doctor reassured me that I and the baby were healthy. And they continued to tell me I was a ideal pregnancy even when I questioned it. I was sick with Audrey the first 3 1/2 months. When I threw up I really threw up! And all I wanted to eat was veggies. I almost went vegetarian! She did not like taco bell. That did not stay down for long. But I am glad she hated it cause I do not think I will ever return to eat there again! When we found out she was a girl that night we had her name picked out. It fit. We just knew that was her name. Audrey was unpredictable from the beginning. Her movements were never on a routine. Raquel was. I figured she was going to be my unpredictable child. But when she did move in the early months I loved it. I could never get enough. Boman felt her move a few times. But often would fall asleep as I awaited the next move. She never moved enough. (But again every child is different. I know this. But I can not help but think I knew something was off but could not figure it out. Again the doctors said you are the picture of good health)
As the 7 months came around my belly was getting bigger and I finally broke down and bought prego jeans because I could not squeeze into my pants. I was happy about that. I was starting to feel in the clear and I could start to embrace being a mom of two girls. I bought her and Raquel matching sweat outfits for the beach in the fall. I began to buy outfits just for her. I started to fold and organize the girls room. We were getting ready for our new addition. I never thought my day dream of my girls would have to wait till our heavenly reunion.
At 7 1/2 months my week was busy. Monday I felt her. Tues I did also along with wed. But had it slowed? I am unsure as I was so busy. Thursday I was exhausted so we relaxed in the house all day. I felt nothing. But I was not to alarmed as she being my unpredictable child did this to me before. Not moved during the day. I told Boman and we decided if she had not moved the next day in the morning I would go to the Doctors. I awoke and laid in bed. Usually I could get a little movement from her. Nothing. I began the day thinking some food would help. I sensed something was wrong. I think I knew in away but was denying it. By lunch still nothing. So I kept eating. All the sweets I could find anything. I laid on my side very still. Pushed on my stomach. Talked to her. Still hoping that this was not happening. I was in denial. I was hoping even though I was not feeling kicks that the hard ball feeling I was having was her butt pressed against my stomach. I totally forgot that these were braxton hick. Or really contractions. I called the OB office and they told me to go to the medical clinic in town. I was trying to hold it together. Raquel was with me and Boman was on his way from work. I was told they would monitor me for a bit to make sure baby was alright. Again I kept telling myself Audrey will surprise me. I have no need to worry. I am in good health. I have had a ideal pregnancy. She is just hiding out and I am over thinking things. I held tight that it was going to be okay. Again the nurse could only find my heartbeat. I did not cry than. Because she has hid before. The doctor came in and also did not find her heartbeat. Again no tears yet. She assured me that the machine they had was not a high quality one. And it is possible that Audrey was hiding deep in my belly. I was holding so tight to that hope. My unpredictable child. She said she wanted me to drive to the emergency room in Jackson Hole where they would check me again. She told me to drive safe. Not rush and pack overnight clothes. She also gave me the best case scenario and the worst. I held tight onto hope. Again she said no need to drive fast or take a ambulance. You can not change anything now if it is the worse case. I drove back home, met up with Boman. I packed some clothes for me, tooth brush and make up. I did not bring clothes for her or a camera. She was not coming. I was not ready for that. I drove up separate from Boman. He dropped Raquel off at Syd and Josh's house. It was a long drive. I had to stop at the gas station for gas. I picked up some water as I knew they probably would poke me and I wanted to be hydrated. Also some rolos. Before buying the treat I even thought was candy can I live without eating if this goes wrong? I choose the rolos. And they even tasted old and dirty. As I drove the 66 miles I was scared, almost in a daze. It took me almost 2 hours to get there as they had construction going on. In the last miles to Jackson I felt my belly contract. I knew than that those tight balls in my belly was not Audrey's body pushing against my belly. I felt foolish. How could I forget what a contraction felt like. But I still held on to the hope I was wrong. That she would be okay. After arriving to the hospital I tried to smile and keep it all light hearted. When I walked into the OB wing the nurse and doctor greeted me. She smile and said you have a perfect history of pregnancy. I am sure she is just hiding. I agreed with a pit in my stomach hoping praying she was right. They even put me in a out patient room expecting me to be released. The nurse once again looked for Audrey's heart beat. And again could only find mine. She did not have as much hope in her eyes as I was looking for. Boman still had not arrived. The nurse got the doctor and also a ultra sound machine. I think about this point I went into pilot mode. She found Audrey and my eyes went straight for her heart and there was no movement. I knew before she told me. I just went numb. She than said she had no heart beat. I nodded and my throat tighten. Tears slowly fell. She than said " You don't seemed surprised. Where you expecting it?" I replied I had a feeling something was wrong. I thought how am I supposed to respond? I was in shock just going with the motions. She went on to say that fluid was low and that she must of pasted a couple of days ago. I figure it was wed night.( But I wish I could recall the last time I felt her for sure. My week was busy. I feel a little guilt over that. I know I had to of felt her Mon-wed day. I was kinda perinod if I didn't. Even at the last doctor appointment which was 2 weeks before I asked if I should be counting her kicks. He said it would drive me batty. And I am sure it would have. ) The nurse walked in the room with Boman behind her. I just silently cried. She told Boman and he chocked back tears. They left us for a bit than came back and told us what was to happen next. I knew what was to happen. And I was just going with the flow of it all. I guess I was in shock. It was all so sudden. Once my body housed life and now it housed death. I do not remember much after that till the time I delivered her. I was drugged. They gave me some stuff to sleep. I accepted it as I knew the next day I would need the strength. They also pumped me full of liquids. I wished I held my belly more during the night. I even think Boman slept in bed with me.
The next morning I was dilated to a 4. They gave me another tablet to dilate me and if I was not progressing they would give me potsium. I began to feel the contractions more and they were uncomfortable. I got a epidural. The nurses said it should be a bit before she would come. So I sent Boman out to buy her some clothes and a blanket. I needed to know she had something from us. As he was out the contraction were becoming painful. So much for a epidural. It hurt more than with Raquel. Maybe it was my emotions. I had to call Boman and have him rush back as Audrey was coming. My water had not broken and my bladder was full and little Audrey was coming. So much pressure down there was so painful. The nurses were gentle and compassionate. She wiped my forehead and held my hand. I tried to make light of this dark situation and cracked jokes. I did not want to be one of those screaming women on a birth story. after about 6 heavy and painful contraction I made a remark that the Doctor better get there fast or I was going to break the water myself. Several contractions later she was there. She broke my water and finally the contractions were bearable. Than I had a hard time pushing. I said I was not ready for her to come. My body my mind was in survival mode. How can you experience that fully present? The last push she came out butt first. Boman cried. I did not recognize that I did not hear her cry. Or the fact they did not have the usual equipment for a breathing baby.
I just was overcome with peace and security. They cleaned her and wrapped her up. They placed her in my arms. I forgot how good it felt to hold your own child. She was ours. She looked beautiful. I do not know what I expected but what I saw was my little girl with long finger like her sister. Full cheeks. Lips like her Daddy. And I think my nose. We think she looked more like me from the nose up. Her skin looked good. It almost glowed. She was still warm. Her feet were big. Also one foot turned in just like Raquel when she was born. I did not speak nor wanted to. And what I did say I do not remember. I was in awe of her. The moment was still magical as it was with Raquel. Just in a different way. It was spiritual. I knew for whatever reason she left this world that she is someone special. That she is part of our family. That she deserves to be love and honored even though she came into this world without breath. She is a daughter of God. She is perfect spirit. And one day she will be reunited with a perfect body. She did not breath, cry or latch onto my breast. But I am her earthly mother. I wanted to care for her. Now that meant she would be wrapped in a warm blanket Dad bought. I would hold her as long as I could. I would smile and rejoice that she is my daughter. I admired her in her Daddy's hands. I am not sure how long we had her for the first bit. But they came in to take her to do some things. While they did that we began to plan. I needed to take care of her. I needed to know she was taken care of. It happen so fast yet so slow. We had friend in town from Texas. They stopped in. What comfort they brought. They guided our way to where we needed to go next. Without them we would not have the photos of Audrey. They brought us food. But mostly they brought us love and support. That afternoon Audrey came back to us. Her body already began to change. I did not care. I wanted to hold her. Photos were taken. Gently we moved her. I still saw her beauty even as her body began to change. We held her again for sometime before we said out final goodbye. I wanted to fall asleep with her in my arms as I day dreamed I would. Instead I gave her to the nurse. Wrapped in the blanket Boman bought her. The nurse kindly took our little girl. With compassion and love in her eyes she said she was sorry and that she would make sure she was taken care of. Both our eyes watered. I had to hold back my body from leaping after her. I knew it was time to let Audrey's body go. Boman and I embraced in bed. They gave me the okay to leave that night. I was not ready to and begged that I could stay till Sunday. They said that would be fine. We were moved out of the OB wing. I did not want to leave there either. But at least I was still in the same building as Audrey. The days blurred. We were checked out Sunday morning. Walking out those hospital doors were so hard. Almost impossible. Before we left town we stopped at a cemetery, bought thank you flowers and gifts, my post baby drugs and other needs. The whole time was surreal. Than driving out of town was hard. I cried silently most of the way. Boman and I held hands. We picked up Raquel and headed home. My house was clean. Laundry was washed. Food and meals in the refrigerate.We were again being taken care of. So many people were taking care of us. Helping to lighten the burden. I cried. We made it a point to make it a fun night with Raquel. We filled her sandbox and played in it. Played under the covers in our bed and watched Toy Story. Raquel was such a blessing and still is. She filled our broken heart with love and gratitude. The next week was busy with planning Audrey's quite service. I did not cry much. It was all surreal. I cried more after we laid her to rest. I wished, longed to hold her again. To dress her and wrap her up. But we were discouraged in seeing her and dressing her ourselves. I just keep the memory of her when I first held her. She truly glowed. She is perfect.
Audrey Jane is my unpredictable child. She loved her veggies and hated fast food. She had no hair like mommy at birth. She had her Daddy's lips and hands. Long skinny fingers. She had the same turned in foot like Raquel.
She has a spirit of a angel.
The next morning I was dilated to a 4. They gave me another tablet to dilate me and if I was not progressing they would give me potsium. I began to feel the contractions more and they were uncomfortable. I got a epidural. The nurses said it should be a bit before she would come. So I sent Boman out to buy her some clothes and a blanket. I needed to know she had something from us. As he was out the contraction were becoming painful. So much for a epidural. It hurt more than with Raquel. Maybe it was my emotions. I had to call Boman and have him rush back as Audrey was coming. My water had not broken and my bladder was full and little Audrey was coming. So much pressure down there was so painful. The nurses were gentle and compassionate. She wiped my forehead and held my hand. I tried to make light of this dark situation and cracked jokes. I did not want to be one of those screaming women on a birth story. after about 6 heavy and painful contraction I made a remark that the Doctor better get there fast or I was going to break the water myself. Several contractions later she was there. She broke my water and finally the contractions were bearable. Than I had a hard time pushing. I said I was not ready for her to come. My body my mind was in survival mode. How can you experience that fully present? The last push she came out butt first. Boman cried. I did not recognize that I did not hear her cry. Or the fact they did not have the usual equipment for a breathing baby.
I just was overcome with peace and security. They cleaned her and wrapped her up. They placed her in my arms. I forgot how good it felt to hold your own child. She was ours. She looked beautiful. I do not know what I expected but what I saw was my little girl with long finger like her sister. Full cheeks. Lips like her Daddy. And I think my nose. We think she looked more like me from the nose up. Her skin looked good. It almost glowed. She was still warm. Her feet were big. Also one foot turned in just like Raquel when she was born. I did not speak nor wanted to. And what I did say I do not remember. I was in awe of her. The moment was still magical as it was with Raquel. Just in a different way. It was spiritual. I knew for whatever reason she left this world that she is someone special. That she is part of our family. That she deserves to be love and honored even though she came into this world without breath. She is a daughter of God. She is perfect spirit. And one day she will be reunited with a perfect body. She did not breath, cry or latch onto my breast. But I am her earthly mother. I wanted to care for her. Now that meant she would be wrapped in a warm blanket Dad bought. I would hold her as long as I could. I would smile and rejoice that she is my daughter. I admired her in her Daddy's hands. I am not sure how long we had her for the first bit. But they came in to take her to do some things. While they did that we began to plan. I needed to take care of her. I needed to know she was taken care of. It happen so fast yet so slow. We had friend in town from Texas. They stopped in. What comfort they brought. They guided our way to where we needed to go next. Without them we would not have the photos of Audrey. They brought us food. But mostly they brought us love and support. That afternoon Audrey came back to us. Her body already began to change. I did not care. I wanted to hold her. Photos were taken. Gently we moved her. I still saw her beauty even as her body began to change. We held her again for sometime before we said out final goodbye. I wanted to fall asleep with her in my arms as I day dreamed I would. Instead I gave her to the nurse. Wrapped in the blanket Boman bought her. The nurse kindly took our little girl. With compassion and love in her eyes she said she was sorry and that she would make sure she was taken care of. Both our eyes watered. I had to hold back my body from leaping after her. I knew it was time to let Audrey's body go. Boman and I embraced in bed. They gave me the okay to leave that night. I was not ready to and begged that I could stay till Sunday. They said that would be fine. We were moved out of the OB wing. I did not want to leave there either. But at least I was still in the same building as Audrey. The days blurred. We were checked out Sunday morning. Walking out those hospital doors were so hard. Almost impossible. Before we left town we stopped at a cemetery, bought thank you flowers and gifts, my post baby drugs and other needs. The whole time was surreal. Than driving out of town was hard. I cried silently most of the way. Boman and I held hands. We picked up Raquel and headed home. My house was clean. Laundry was washed. Food and meals in the refrigerate.We were again being taken care of. So many people were taking care of us. Helping to lighten the burden. I cried. We made it a point to make it a fun night with Raquel. We filled her sandbox and played in it. Played under the covers in our bed and watched Toy Story. Raquel was such a blessing and still is. She filled our broken heart with love and gratitude. The next week was busy with planning Audrey's quite service. I did not cry much. It was all surreal. I cried more after we laid her to rest. I wished, longed to hold her again. To dress her and wrap her up. But we were discouraged in seeing her and dressing her ourselves. I just keep the memory of her when I first held her. She truly glowed. She is perfect.
Audrey Jane is my unpredictable child. She loved her veggies and hated fast food. She had no hair like mommy at birth. She had her Daddy's lips and hands. Long skinny fingers. She had the same turned in foot like Raquel.
She has a spirit of a angel.