As Bells plays happily with her friends out in the warm sun I fight off tears and pain. I ache for my Mom. I hurt for those who are hurting from her choices. I hurt because I know her as a child of God and know she did her best. Even though her best brought pain to others. I hurt because the evil of the world crept into her and she could not fight it off. I hurt because I can not protect her. I hurt she was in so much pain her last days and I did not help her. I hurt because she was asking me when I was coming back. I should of went back sooner. I just didn't know. I thought we had more time. Just a little more time.
I miss her. I have missed her for the past 10 years, I finally am feeling the weight of the loss of her. That seems to come about 3 months after a death. The real weight of grief hits. Reality hits. Shock, disbelief wears off.
On top of that Audrey is on my heart heavy today. I think of her daily. I miss her especially when I discover once again we are not pregnant. I know one day it will happen again. I keep thinking the Lord knows me and my family and that blessing will come in time.
It just hurts. I just hurt today. I just really hurt.
I want my Mom. I want my Daughter.
I sought and listened,
I sought and listened,