Facebook can make my life crazy and bring out mean emotions! Not that I spend hours on it daily but of course I pop in and look and send hellos to long time friends. But, I am feeling a bit..not sure what the emotion is but, freak! is everyone having babies? I thought we got past the hump of our friends having babies and were we going to get a break. (yes, at times I am selfish and think the world revolves around me! And I guess we are closer to Audrey delivery day. Along with all the other babies first birthdays) But here comes another wave and it feels like a sneaker one. I feel out of place in the world. I feel I am supposed to have a baby. It tugs at my heart when the young children in primary ask me about my kids. Why do I have only one for being so "old". My Mommy has many babies. Tug tug ouch!
I know how I have some influence on changing this. I am not barren as far as I know. But the waiting to conceive, the fear of losing the baby and the twisted and unwelcome emotions that come with celebrating a dear friends baby and the envy you have for your own child to have a playmate and another one to cause joyful chaos in the house. I feel a little more understanding for those women who struggle to have babies. I ache for them.
Please know I love all those babies that have been born this last year. I love the chubby rolls, snuggling them and watching them grow. I do love to hear how they are growing and interacting with their siblings. These emotions only come in waves. Its just how I feel.
On a lighter note I have started preparing for conference weekend with some yummy food in mind. I do look forward to these world wide church meetings to be feed and nourished by our church leaders. Yes, we are crazy enough to go to the church for these meetings. We feel it is easier for Bells to recognize the need to be being reverent in the chapel. I have many snacks ready for her, these cool magnet paper dolls,books and other quite toys. It works for our family. I am working on this yummy lemon chicken orzo pasta which will be nice in the 90 degree weather, fruit and nut bowls, tortilla soup, vegetarian sandwiches and a large filling brunch on Sunday.