April 30th my Mom passed away early in the morning. The week before her passing she woke every morning at 4 am to make my Dads breakfast. That task alone exhausted her and she slept most of the days. Unknown to us was how close she was to passing. It was unexpected even though we knew her leukemia was terminal. She fought this disease for more than a year but only found out what was causing her fatigue and pain within the last 6 months. We laid her to rest the weekend of Mother's Day.
Many emotions surround my Mother. I am thankful she is finally able to rest from both physical and mental torture. Even when at times I was angry that I did not have a mother who fulfilled the motherly duties. Like help plan a wedding, answer the phone to help with a recipe or being at the birth of my babies and showing me how to care for them. She was more absent than present in the last 5 years. But when she was present it was wonderful. I thought her death would bring rest to all. I looked forward to sharing life with her after this. Where she would be healed of the scars she carried and tried so hard not to pass on. I am surprised that I would take her back in the state she was in just to have those moments again. These moments came a handful of times in a year. I am missing those moments. The 2 minute phone calls, crawling in bed with her, struggling with her, caring for her and watching the love she had for her Sweetie. I love her. I just want those moments to be with me again.
I am afraid how her loss will affect my family. I am unsure how my Dad will cope alone. How we as children will interact and relate.
My Mom told me often in her last few months "Sis, we need to have faith and not fear."
I miss her. I know she did her best.
I thought what I wanted to make sure she knew while she was with us. I told her this every time we spoke on the phone or when I had to leave, "Mom, I love you. I am proud of you and I am honored to be your daughter." I am thankful I did.
I have learned in this past year of heavy grief I always want just one more minute to hold my loved one. To say something more. To do something more for them. But for now I must wait for that moment were I can do that.
I know that Jesus Christ is my brother who suffered the worlds heart aches and overcame death. I know this because I have tested the prophets words. I have felt the fruits of the scriptures both the Bible and Book of Mormon. I know he existed and exists today because my life is good and fulfilling. I am given strength when weak and courage when I dread facing another day. I know that when I live the commandment and uphold my temple promises and am given a peace of heart and mind.
I know I need to be better. I know I can and able with his help.
I also have benefited from the earthy angels. Thank you for all the kindness shown. I hope that I can return the kindness!
(Sometimes we just need to vomit our feelings. I think I just did a bit.)