My aunt and cousin just left.
Alone.
Boman is gone fishing.
Alone.
It is kinda funny. Before Tammy and Jenn came I was cleaning,organizing and decorating. I was nesting. I thought I would be doing that exact same thing if Audrey was coming at her due date. When in Jackson Hole it crossed my mind instead of going to dinner with my family we would of been heading to the hospital for the birth of Audrey. Still we have friends having or getting ready to have a baby in the next few days or weeks. I was planning to be among them.
As Tammy and Jenn pulled away my heart dropped.
Alone.
The feelings I suppress started to come to the top. I felt like a new mom watching her family go away to deal with a newborn. But I am a mom dealing with the loss of a stillborn. I know these feelings are in me. But they come at odd times. I can not call on them to come out. I don't always suppress them. They just come when they want to. And when they do that's when I think "oh... yeah. There you are feelings." Feeling them is exhausting,painful and relieving all at the same time.
Grief. A mothers grief comes in many ways. Loss of a child. Loss of hopes and dreams for a child with special needs. A accident that damages your child's body. Taken innocence. A child's poor choice. It is to be expected. Grief can be a way to healing and accepting what you can not control.
Today we will have lunch with friends. I will get texts messages for my Aunt Tammy. I will clean up the house. I will remember I am never truly alone.