Sometimes we have blue days. Today is mine. We started the day at 9 a.m. at the park. We were going to walk but I forgot my sneakers and only realized that when I hopped out of the truck in flip flops. So we headed to the park instead. It was a cool 60 degrees. Raquel went up and down the slide. I read the scriptures. Just had a heavy heart. Having one can make it a challenge to love others. I mean to kiss, cuddle or even talk. I feel bad for Raquel and my husband when I have these days. I know they need it. Heck, I probably need it also. But something in my mind and body prevent that. We have several friends who are having babies this year. So far 3 of them have delivered beautiful babies that I love to love on. We know of 8 other friends who are expecting. I am truly excited for them. But inevitably at the same time I hurt a bit. Big bellies, blog count downs, complaints of discomfort and other milestones in pregnancy. I should be losing weight. But I am gaining as if I was still pregnant. I am tired as if I was still pregnant. I hold my belly when I sleep as if I was still pregnant. I know this is the baby blues. I ache to be pregnant again. I wish to be 8 months pregnant. With a new baby not Audrey. I know she is where she needs to be. I would not change that. I know I am not in control of that choice. I respect His choice.
Life moves on. And I will wake up and fight the fight. I may go to bed defeated but at least I showed up right? And in every cloudy blue day there is glimpses of light. I see the light from my Daughter and love notes from my Husband. I pray these things will lift me up, sustain me till a better day comes along.