“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.”
-Alex Tan
This week has been so long for me. I thought after laying Audrey to rest I would start moving forward. Of course I was ignorant. I wake with a heavy heart every morning. I fight tears till nap time and try to get it out before Boman gets home. I force myself to go out and socialize. Raquel needs it. I am sure I need it also. But as I am out my heart is breaking. I attempt to play with Raquel but all I feel is a void. I am not fully present for her. This breaks my heart! She has been a real trooper. She has played so well on her own. Sure the house looking like a tornado ran through it. But she appears to be happy. Plus she has taken a nap 3 days in a row! That is big deal. We noticed that she is getting a new molar in maybe two. I hope this explains the lack of interest in food and it is not me forgetting to give her enough opportunities to eat. Boman has started his 12 hour days. Both are days are long. Work has some male drama going on and I know this has been stressful for him. A friend of mine told me I do not have to be superwomen. I know that. But how can I stop caring for my family that are her with me on earth? A Mom does not have that freedom so much to take a vacation. And would it really do me any good. At what point do you say " Okay you have grieved enough. It is time to move on" Gosh I surely do not think 2 weeks is a long enough grieving period after carrying Audrey for 7 1/2 months. I know I need and should allow myself to feel the loss longer. I just do not want to get stuck in it. I want to take all the blessing and good things I have learned from her and live. To be engaged in life. Not just present as I am feeling. I feel ever more lost as a person. What am I beside a Mother and a wife? Do I need to be something more? How can I fully enjoy this blessing? I am blessed to be able to care for my child. To educate her, protect her, love her. My husband works hard for that. Maybe finally getting signed up for classes to finish my degree will give me some good distraction. Something to look forward to. Maybe I need to give myself a routine. Wake at 5:30 with Husband, exercise, read, Raquel time, work on my awful sewing skills etc.
I am just exhausted. You can hurt and grieve and still have peace. I know where Audrey is. I know the promise blessing of the resurrection. But it still hurts. It may soften the blow but it still hurts.